When the Phrase ‘Walking in Forgiveness’ Could Mean Turning a Blind Eye to Reality—and the Costs It Bears
Have you ever played the Game of Telephone?
It’s also known as Chinese Whispers.
It’s a children’s game that begins with the initial player whispering a message into a player’s ear, who’s sitting beside them. The consequential player whispers the message they believe they’ve heard, repeating it to the next player. Once the message has continued to be whispered from player to player, the final player in the group says the message he or she believes they’ve heard, out loud for all to hear—often resulting in a humorous distortion of the original message.
The game is often used as a tool to teach the importance of listening skills and clear communication. In everyday practice, it has the increased potential to thwart misunderstandings, misinformation, and unnecessary conflict. Otherwise, we risk allowing untruths to cause divisiveness amongst a group of family, friends, and coworkers.
Now, have you ever heard a “whispered message” repeated about you in church that is a vast distortion of your true experience or character?
Whispers within the church can twist into distorted stories that harm, isolate, and confuse. It’s especially harmful when practiced by church leaders.
So, what happens when the whispers of lies and division become a barrier to truth and healing?
This post examines how misuse of Scripture can enable that harm—and how we can reclaim truth and reconciliation.
From Tea Luncheons to Church Gossip
When I began attending a Reformed Baptist church in Hollywood, California, I slowly became acclimated to the congregation, building and nurturing familial-like connections with fellow sisters and brothers in Christ. I held deep reverence for the women who sang alongside me, prayed with me, and encouraged me during bouts of depression and uncertainty. I thought highly of the women leading us in monthly teachings, examining the Scriptures and its application to life following Jesus. We built—or so I thought—a relationship founded on genuine listening and clear communication, with Christ at the center.
So it was disheartening to hear mischaracterizations and misinformation (or perhaps even disinformation) circulating among fellow members about what I experienced under the Associate Pastor’s “counseling” and supervision (When I place quotation marks around counseling, it is because what took place was not true pastoral care, which I can expand on another time). It was especially painful to hear that his wife—my former confidant, spiritual leader, and staff member—may have been a source circulating or contributing these false stories.
In the spirit of Matthew 18, I reached out to her by email, since it felt like the safest method at the time. Although she was in spiritual authority over me, and not my peer, which is a common misapplication of Matthew 18 between a leader-congregant dynamic that I can unpack in a future post—I invited her to meet for coffee and reconcile the misinformation, with a fellow sister as witness. She declined.
She said she was aware of what I experienced under his pastoral care, but was not “privileged” to the details of what I experienced at the church. Instead, she chose to “walk in forgiveness” and to “forget what is behind.”
At first glance, her reasoning may have sounded spiritual. But when we examine the Scriptures she cited, a different picture emerges.
The Facade of Forgiveness
When Forgiveness Becomes Avoidance
The phrase “walking in forgiveness” isn’t a direct Bible quote, but it alludes to the broader biblical theme of forgiveness and walking in the way of Christ. This theme runs throughout the New Testament in the teachings of Jesus and the writings of Paul. For example:
- Matthew 6:14-15 – Forgive others and God forgives you.
- 1 John 1:9 – Confess sins and God is faithful to forgive.
- Colossians 3:13 – Bear with each other and forgive as the Lord forgave you.
- Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving as God forgave in Christ.
The heart posture of leaning on Christ and practicing forgiveness is vital in the Christian life. But this phrase can be misapplied.
Instead of accepting an invitation to foster reconciliation, the phrase was used to justify avoiding confrontation and truth-seeking. This contradicts the biblical call to pursue reconciliation and address issues directly. It prioritizes superficial peace over genuine healing, resulting in a false sense of community built on falsehoods.
To truly “walk in forgiveness,” we must face difficulties, seek truth, and pursue reconciliation—not avoid them. Otherwise, we risk enabling untruths. Genuine forgiveness in the biblical sense involves acknowledging wrongdoing and moving toward reconciliation.
Forgetting What is Behind
Philippians 3:12-16 (NIV): Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
When Apostle Paul writes to the church in Philippi about “forgetting what is behind,” he is reflecting on a broader view of his own spiritual journey and pursuit of Christ. He acknowledges he has not yet fully attained Christlikeness and encourages the believers to press forward in the Faith. This emphasis on pressing forward in Christ would not entail ignoring hard truths. In fact, quite the contrary!
Paul’s “forgetting what is behind” refers to leaving behind past sins, failures, and achievements as a means to not hinder one’s pursuit of Christ fully. This illustrates an honest acceptance of what has happened.
If we selectively apply the verse, we make ourselves vulnerable to missing a larger context of pressing on toward Christ, which would actively require us to pursue truth and reconciliation.
Seeing it used in such a way seemed more like an interpretation to sidestep responsibility for a potential role in spreading falsehoods, not only as a fellow believer, which is a significant influence in of itself, but more so as a spiritual leader. Paul’s encouragement does not justify a choice to avoid accountability and refuse a conversation that — yes, pertains to a past event — but is also impacting the reputations and present-day relationships of sheep under one’s ministry.
The Cost of Avoidance
When we choose to justify our desire for avoidance, we risk limiting our spiritual growth and basking in self-righteousness. Instead of pressing on to know Christ more, by His righteousness imputed onto us through His Holy Spirit, we choose to rely on our own human strength and limited means.
Although we may not be all-knowing and “privileged” to every detail, a long-term church leader is often present during incident reporting, board meetings, or involved in oversight decisions, giving them greater access to information than the average congregant. In matters of healing and reconciliation, their decision to engage or withdraw directly determines whether genuine restoration can occur.
Regardless of our status within a specific church, I invite us to reconsider Paul’s words to the Philippians, not as justification for avoidance, but as an opportunity to yield to the Holy Spirit. Our choice to surrender may involve accepting His correction of our shortcomings, or embracing His affirmation of our growth. God can be trusted with our hearts and relationships as He is faithful to refine us through our obedience (Ephesians 2:10).
May this serve as a reminder to you:
If you’ve ever felt dismissed, or told to just “forgive and forget,” please know that your hurt still matters to God.
Leadership and Influence in the Church
Biblical Standards for Leaders
Is it me? Am I the drama?
Initially, I wondered if I was being too critical of her declining to meet. I looked up to her as an elder in the Faith: someone who dedicated her youth to Sunday School ministry, grown into a deaconess, served as co-teacher and board leader, and ultimately become a pastor’s wife.
Was my expectation or observations unfair?
I was quickly reminded that Scripture calls the role of an elder to a higher standard than your average congregant or trainee. Church leadership holds both privilege and responsibility. When we look to Scripture, we find it consistently calls leaders to shepherd the flock with integrity, humility, and truth. When leaders dismiss an opportunity for reconciliation, they fail to live out that calling.
- 1 Peter 5:1-4 – A call to elders to care for the flock in selfless service, integrity, and humility.
- Ephesians 4:11-13 – Christ-appointed roles that equip and unite the church into maturity.
The church requires healthy leadership in order to thrive—it’s not obligating perfection. That’s only found in Christ himself. Rather, a leader is expected to seek reconciliation and truth, not simply upholding an appearance of peace. Otherwise, the spoils of disingenuity leaves a bad smell within the congregation. Even to the point of causing ill to one’s spirit: to feel unseen, unheard, and unloved by shepherds who are representations of God.
If you’ve ever felt dismissed by a church leader, it does not mean your story or effort is unworthy. As Hagar acknowledged God during her journey in the wilderness, El Roi, that is, “the God Who Sees” (Genesis 16:13).
Honey to the Soul
Have you witnessed qualities in spiritual leaders that have helped you feel safe, seen, and valued within the community? How has that experience helped nurture your relationship with God?
The Influence of Women Leaders
Leadership influence isn’t limited to pastors delivering sermons or deacons offering closing prayers by the pulpit. Paul points to another impactful influence in his letter to Titus: the older women in the church (Titus 2:3-5). He provides specific guidance for their appropriate behavior and teaching, which includes the wives of pastors and elders. A pastor’s wife or women’s teacher can significantly sway and shape a church culture through their influence.
If a woman in church leadership misuses her authority and impact, by means of dismissing, ostracizing, belittling, or ignoring concerns, they impact not only the individual on the receiving end, but the wider flock as well. It sets a tone of compliance or exclusion. Ultimately, this creates fear and anxiety in the sheep that God has entrusted to them. Women in leadership or longstanding presence within the church community have the ability to exemplify Christ in nurturing safety and trust, or deepening wounds of division and isolation.
A Call of Genuine Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Our pursuit to forgive, in the biblical sense, is never about pretending harm didn’t happen. It’s a command to followers of Christ to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4), confessing faults to one another (James 5), and moving toward reconciliation and live in peace when possible (Romans 12:18) with Christ at the center.
True forgiveness acknowledges wrongs while choosing to release bitterness. It doesn’t silence pain, dismiss accountability, or mask disunity. It’s an invitation to experience God’s gift of forgiveness, while also practicing forgiveness of others.
Healing begins with truth. Not the absence of it.
